equus213

I find it comical sometimes how deep the hole is that I've dug for myself. The past few weeks of working and working and working with no time for school has definetly caught up. Last week I had a test, two quizes, and a paper due, now this week I have to read allll that shit I didnt read at the beg of the semester... and next week I have four midterms. HELLLL YEEAAAHHH

FUCK
FUCK
fUCK
fuCK
fucK
fuck

I can't wait for event season to start. Winter is such a depressing stretch of equestrian inactivity and perpetual redundancy. This season is going to be hella great, and hopefully I can go to the CCI* at VA this spring.

WOOT!

I dont have time to breathe, to think, to do anything.
So behind in school work
barely enough time to ride my horses.

BUT HERES THE BAD PART... I dont really give a fuck anymore. Drinking and going out is way more fun than being stressed all the fucking time.

Oh well.... u only live once right?

so done.
so tired
so behind
so stressed
so over the bullshit

I AM SO BORED

seriousley, windchase is corrupting. I cant sit still. I hate to be idle. Even after the whole finals thing, all I needed was one day to do nothing, and then all is fixed. I loved woring like 10 hr days before I left for vacation. It was satisfying. Now im on the verge of insanity. seeing old friends is great, but it gets old. And spending excess time with my family has proven to be enlightening in ways which only further my inability to understand and relate to them.

My sister is still crazy
My father is still... the same
and being home makes me feel guilty for leaving, but also makes me want to go home that much more.

I cant wait until nina and meagan get here on friday. Doing the whole "miami vacation" with my best friends will be amazing. Only if I can let go of some shit and get over my stubborn pride and just accept things the way that they are.

Fuck me

I cant decide what I want.
One day its this.
The next its that.
Indecision sucks.

The past few days have been REALLY good. Should I allow myself to be decieved into thinking that something better is to come?

Or should I remain guarded and just wait for it all to end... again?

I need to keep a 3.5 to stay in the honors college, which was hard this semester. Its not that the material covered was all that complicated, but working/competing made time for studying a rareity.

So far here's what we got: Stats - A BITCHES
Sociology - A
History of Russia - B+ (I think)
Environmental Pollution - A

So now all I have is chemsitry, and if I can keep my B, which shouldnt be too hard, then I will keep my 3.5 (as averaged with last semesters GPA.

That would make me really happy... if all of the working and stressing didnt seem pointless. The only thing is that my chem final is for last semester and this semester. Whoever thought up that shit is fucking sadistic.

Back to studying

PEACE!

I think that Lucky being lame for so long left me in a huge slump. Where I was kind of indifferent to the horses because well I wasnt doing anything productive with my own. Im riding Lucy essentially to keep her fit and looking good to sell, but not for any competitions or anything. Riding my wild black horse on Tuesday re-opened those flood gates, and now I cant wait to get back into it, start taking lessons, and go competing next season! I want to take him to the VA CCI* (if we qualify) next spring. It would be amazing to go again, and I think with Lucky's scope and boldness, it would go better than it did with Lucy. So that gets to be my goal for the time being. And... holy fucking christ... I DONT OWE PHYLLIS ANY MORE MONEY!!! I have one sort of small vet bill to pay off, then my credit card, and im out of debt! Well i mean immediate debt, I still have my car payment and school loans and shit, but that means that I can start putting my money towards horse things, GUILT FREE. So thats kind of exciting.

Anyway, theres hope for the future.

Good news.. Lucky was sound today! First time in like 6 weeks. Fucking farrier. Now cross your fingers and hope that he stays that way.

Bad note, got in a tiff with a co-worker. You see I have this problem, I dont do too well with being taken advantage of. I dont care if im 12 or 21, experienced or not, im not the type to be passive. ESPECIALLY when it comes to money, I just dont work for free. Lifes too expensive for that shit.

Oh well, I suppose its life experience, and I can say that I stood my ground, kept up with my own personal obligations, and the rest is up to her. So no regrets. I will not be walked all over, and bitch has another thing coming if she thinks that im cool with that shit.

Oh I love being half black... makes me fiesty.

I really really needed this break. These past 3 days have been amazingly refreshing. Tuesday was my b-day! 21 baby. So Meagan came down from the farm, and we were able to occupy ourselves and celebrate. Wednesday we went grocery shopping and bought food for thanksgiving, and I rode and taught a little. Yesterday was perfect. We made food, ate food, watched movies, and slept like all day. I think I fell asleep at like 6 or 7. Today we went shopping, took advantage of black friday sales. Annd.. I spent birthday money :) gotta love the parents.

But mostly it was great to have some company and to just be able to spend time with a good friend. I so miss that.

So yes. Today, I am happy. First day in a looooong time.

There is this paradox that explains the "super-liberal." Its something thats starting to make me resent the sort of alternative-trendiness that seems to be so cool at vcu. Those who stand on their soap box, preaching about equality and gender rights, and earth rights, and yet those are the same people who are extremely judgemental of anyone who ISNT "super-liberal." Its like being vegan and looking down on everyone who isnt, like they arent green enough, or dedicated enough, or immoral because they have a different life choice. Things like that make me crazy. Get off your fucking soap box. The world isnt always as simple as youthful idealism suggests.

P.S. People can be so fake sometimes.

I went a got a dog yesterday!!!

She's freaking cute.. Golden retriever cross about a year old. Adopted her from the richmond SPCA, so its one of those things you can feel good about :)

Yay for life... today is a good day.

Im going to get a dog
for real
like this week!

Fuck

I hate my life right now

Alright so Ive been thinking a lot about this whole graduate abroad thing.  Like nonstop for the past couple days.  And the more I think about it... the more I think its what I really want to do.  The thing is, if I wanted to go and be with friends, I'd want to transfer to JMU with Nina or go back to windchase, or go back to the ATL and be with my old friends.  but none of those solutions are particularly appealing.  I just really really really want to get out of this country.  Its almost like I feel as though Ive experienced the US and it holds no joy and no appeal for me anymore.  I want to go on an adventure, explore new lands.  Go somplace where I know not a soul and create a world over there.  To experience a new land, new customs, new everything.  This insatiable desire to just fucking get out.  Omg its rediculous.  So freaking rediculous.  IIIIII WWWWAAAAANNNNTTTT TTTTOOOOO TTTTRRRRAAAAVVVVVEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!!!!


Im going to do this
going to freaking get out!

I feel like such an emotional roller coaster right now. Its like one day im ok. Things are fine. Then something happens. It can be as basic as I hear a song that brings back some memory and I get all depressed. Its so strange to feel this... unstable. This morning I got an e-mail from Jineen who has been more of a mother to me than my own mother. She is the farm manager at windchase and she is one of the most amazing, selfless, wonderful people I have ever met. No matter what the situation, she is always willing to help and willing to put others first. Its so humbling to be around people who are like that. But now its tipped me off the edge again and I want so badly to be back on the farm.

I find myself finding little things within the day to keep my thoughs away from the present. Im trying to go on a summer study abroad trip, hopefully right after lucky does the one star next year in which case hed be getting a month off anyway (cross your fingers). The best trip right now looks like to guatemala or barbados... I need something where I can get history and/or spanish credit. Omg I want to go now, so badly. But its like nearly a year away.

Im starting to stress about this honors college thing too. Keeping the GPA isnt really a problem, well not until this year. This school is really really easy, but now i have no time. Lucy needs to sell and I need to work less, but until she sells I cant or there will be no money for shoes for the kids. So its this vicious cycle.

Melissa was supposed to come up this weekend to teach a clinic, but we dont have enough people and now I think it may not happen. That really sucks. I love berger, shes so fun to have around. I was really looking forward to her being here.

And here I am. Back in the same place I always find myself. Dissatisfied. Im dreading the end of event season. Something I usually dont dread because its great to take a break from the constant training, riding 6 days week, spening tons and tons of money on competitions. But this year Im dreading NOT having things to look forward to. Until APRIL. Its going to be a long cold winter. If im already kind of sad now, and then it gets cold, a grey, then its really going to be difficult. I hope I can keep my shit together. That would be extremely sweet. I think im going to run some long races this winter to keep my mind focused on something. We shall see.

peace

Ok I think im starting to climb. Climb out of this hole that is. So I went out last night with some friends... friends who I think at one point in my life I took for granted. And for hours we just talked. The kind of talking that brings you to a new level of friendship. The kind of talking that allows you to become so much closer to people. It was some freaking great talking. I spent time with my dear friend Emily who I admire in so many ways. Shes so rational and selfless and just completely awesome that I always feel like a better person after I have a conversation with her. And I spent time with Kaitlin who is one of those people that you can just have great conversations with. Shes just amazing and a great listener and is so objective that I never feel judged by her. And after hanging out and catchin up and driking some wine.. mmm... I think I found a new direction.

SOCIAL STATUS DOSENT MATTER. SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE IS ALL A PERCEPTION.

I dont need to feel accepted by anyone because I have some amazing friends. Nina, Meagan, Emily, Kaitlin... four people who I can talk to about anything, do anything with, feel so competely comfortable with. How lucky am I? Who else has four people who they can be that close with?

So here's the thing. Even though I came to richmond looking for something I didnt find, I think I learned a lot by leaving some people and places that I didnt appreciate. i did it because I was running away from my problems. I did it because I didnt know how to cope with life when It wasnt perfect. I think I needed to leave william and mary, and I think that I needed to get out and have the VCU/ year at windcahse experience to be able to look back and see just exactly what I left, what I lost, and what I didnt appreciate once upon a time. So you see, I dont have any regrets. I dont think I would feel this way if I had stayed. But by realizing this, I cant repeat the past and just keep running. Im going to stay at VCU, In richmond, and stick it out. I have an amazing job which I love. I work with some great people. Im in the honors college now. Im going to explore some other career and study options, and Im going to make the best of this situation. Because sometimes I think thats what life is...things arent going to be perfect and you know what, we have to learn how to grown and adapt and make the best of it.

Here we go

Another crazy ride.

So here's my latest dilema. At the beginning of this week I was pretty much ready to hang myself. This was seriousley my day on monday:
6am wake up and go running
8am chem recitation/quiz
9-11 professor mtgs/ reading for class
11 stats
12 - 1 more studying
2 chem
HAUL ASS to the farm to ride my two horses then teach from 5 - 8
home by 9, inhale some cereal for dinner, then study until I fall asleep.

Thats waht its like every day. No free time... not enough time to get all my school work done and feel prepared for class... always rushing at the barn to the point where I have to schedule time to talk to my clients and Im always rushing to get my own horses ridden which makes for less than good dressage rides, to say the least.

So anyway, on monday following this kinda day, I was pretty much fed up with science. With environmental science. With all the bullshit that goes along with a "bachelor of science" degree. I like history. I want to be a history major. So I went and talked to Dr. Fox (envs advisor) and the history advisor to get their oppinions, and also to find out if it was even possible to finish out a history degree before I'm supposed to graduate. So its all possible, no problem. But here is the dilema. JOBS. I want to ride horses professionally. Its what I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember. And Im totally down with that still, but Im getting a degree in the very likely event that making a living in horses is not realistic. So then I thought, hell if im gonna have a "real" job, then I should do it in somehting I like. I could work in public policy for ENVS. I get really into it, it would be rewarding, etc. But I CANT TAKE THE SCIENCE ANYMORE. its tedious and boring and I just loathe to study it. I love to study history, but its not really a marketable skill for a job unless I want to go to grad school (HEEEELLLL NO!). SO in short, its study waht I like and hope that it all works out with the horses... or study what is praticle and prepare for a "real" job even if it sucks horribly to finish and if I never use it. OMG I DONT KNOW.

But bency is coming this weekend which makes life brighter, even if only for a moment.

We are cursed. The farm, Phyllis, Jineen, Melissa, Nina, Meagan, Me, and now its spreading to campbell springs like a fucking virus. Whats the point of even doing this if shitty things happen so often and to people who deserve it least. How can you climb out of a hole if you dont know where up is?

So its happening again.  Like it did before.  At one point I thought I was lonley, that I wanted to be in a relationship to feel secure and fulfilled... However whenever I get in that situation, I feel chlostraphobic and contanted.  A feeling I've grown to resent and thus avoid any sort of relationship that enters into the "serious" category.  For a while I thought it was frustrations with the horses and riding.  While that is a factor, I dont know if its the cause.  Today I realized something.  In the past when I become unhappy I move.  When I lived in georgia, I hated it so I moved to virginia.  When I was at william and mary and I felt so outside their realm of normal, I transfered.  Now here I am, at VCU, where things are better, where people are more accepting, and that same nagging feeling of discontent drives me to wonder what the cause is.  I dont really know but what I do know now is that I really really really want a change of location.  I want to transfer, or move, or travel, or anything to break up the monotony.  To break up the every day normal that is Richmond.  Sure I enjoyed it for a few months... it was different and exciting, but now Im ready for a change again.  I think they call this feeling Wanderlust.
But I guess the real question is, what causes it?  I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life, so it not like Im lost for a goal or for a purpose.  I dont have bad relationships or events here that Im running from, and its not like im homesick or windchase sick or something that leaves me seriousley wanting to go BACK somewhere I've already been.  I was sittin gin Russian history today and just hearing my professor talk of far away places and lands an events gave me this romantic dream of traveling europe, or studying abroad, or moving abroad... a fantasy that was so alluring that for a moment I couldnt stand the idea of staying in the US any longer.  Why is this happening thought?  I dont feel this need to go help anyone or fulfull some altruistic dream of self sacrificing service.  I dont want to change anything or be a different person. I just want to leave. 

Im so restless sometimes I cant stand it, but I dont understand where the feeling comes from or how to make it quiet.